Ways in Which I Fail at Ireland: Part Two
Grocery shopping
In an effort to help the environment, there is a tax on plastic bags in Ireland. To which I say, "great." Because of the tax, most people bring re-usable bags grocery shopping with them. To this I say, "awesome." Or, I would, if I had the attention span of a human being instead of a hamster. You already know where this is going don't you? The first time I went grocery shopping, I forgot the hearty re-usable bags. No big deal at first. I just shelled out the extra 88 cents for four plastic bags.
It wasn't until I was halfway through my ten minute journey home that I found out that the pansy bags I was carrying weren't worth the plastic they were made out of. The disintegration of three of my bags must have only taken two or three minutes, tops, but it felt like a half an hour in slow motion. First, a handle snapped. Then, a bottle of olive oil began to make a break for freedom. Next, the baked beans and the eggs decided they weren't going to suffer in silence any more! They were following the way paved for them by the olive oil, that great liberator. I did my best to keep all my groceries in check, but nearing Western road, I began to have visions of all my groceries sprawled across the pavement, sad and abandoned. A desperate plan to prevent this scene from happening involved me leaving my food on some dingy street corner with a scruffy but trustworthy looking guitar player and sprinting home to find sturdier bags while calling over my shoulder, "Don't go anywhere! I'm going to get help!"
Luckily it didn't quite come to that. I managed to gather my strength and my groceries close to my fold and collapse in my kitchen with groceries intact except for one battered yogurt. Its injuries were severe. There was nothing I could do. But, every time I eat another "forest fruits" yogurt, I think ofr its fallen comrade. Remember the Tesco-mo!
Baking
I wanted to make myself a chocolate cake for my birthday with a few friends. I went to the grocery store thinking I could just walk in with an American recipe and walk out with the ingredients it called for. No such luck. If the grocery store had been able to talk, we would have had the following conversation:
Me: Got any Corn syrup?
Super-Valu: Syrup made out of corn? That's gross, you weird American. Try "golden syrup" instead and cross your fingers.
Me: Powdered sugar?
Store: Well, stare at that wall of sugar all you want, but you won't find any "powdered sugar." Sweet 'n low is probably as close as you're gonna get. Ha! You suck at this. I'm totally winning.
Me: Shut up. Cocoa powder?
Store: Hmm...well, it's here somewhere. But I'm not gonna tell you where. Me: How about baking chocolate? Well, I have "baking" and I have "chocolate"... Ooh! and look! I have a non dairy product for baking that's "Chocolate flavored" [evil laughter]
Me: [growing desperate] What about chocolate chips? You have to have chocolate chips! You people have to make things chocolaty somehow!
Store: Sure, no problem...if you want to pay over two euro for less than a cup...
Me. NOOOOO!
When I discovered the price tag on those chocolate chips, righteous anger mounted inside of me, because I believe in a world where cheap giant bags of chocolate chips are accessible to all! I mean, I did buy the overpriced chocolate chips, but only because I had no other choice. I wandered out of the store, wondering how I could relate to a people who didn't value Nestle Tollhouse the way I did.
Outside, the grass looked a little less green.
In an effort to help the environment, there is a tax on plastic bags in Ireland. To which I say, "great." Because of the tax, most people bring re-usable bags grocery shopping with them. To this I say, "awesome." Or, I would, if I had the attention span of a human being instead of a hamster. You already know where this is going don't you? The first time I went grocery shopping, I forgot the hearty re-usable bags. No big deal at first. I just shelled out the extra 88 cents for four plastic bags.
It wasn't until I was halfway through my ten minute journey home that I found out that the pansy bags I was carrying weren't worth the plastic they were made out of. The disintegration of three of my bags must have only taken two or three minutes, tops, but it felt like a half an hour in slow motion. First, a handle snapped. Then, a bottle of olive oil began to make a break for freedom. Next, the baked beans and the eggs decided they weren't going to suffer in silence any more! They were following the way paved for them by the olive oil, that great liberator. I did my best to keep all my groceries in check, but nearing Western road, I began to have visions of all my groceries sprawled across the pavement, sad and abandoned. A desperate plan to prevent this scene from happening involved me leaving my food on some dingy street corner with a scruffy but trustworthy looking guitar player and sprinting home to find sturdier bags while calling over my shoulder, "Don't go anywhere! I'm going to get help!"
Luckily it didn't quite come to that. I managed to gather my strength and my groceries close to my fold and collapse in my kitchen with groceries intact except for one battered yogurt. Its injuries were severe. There was nothing I could do. But, every time I eat another "forest fruits" yogurt, I think ofr its fallen comrade. Remember the Tesco-mo!
Baking
I wanted to make myself a chocolate cake for my birthday with a few friends. I went to the grocery store thinking I could just walk in with an American recipe and walk out with the ingredients it called for. No such luck. If the grocery store had been able to talk, we would have had the following conversation:
Me: Got any Corn syrup?
Super-Valu: Syrup made out of corn? That's gross, you weird American. Try "golden syrup" instead and cross your fingers.
Me: Powdered sugar?
Store: Well, stare at that wall of sugar all you want, but you won't find any "powdered sugar." Sweet 'n low is probably as close as you're gonna get. Ha! You suck at this. I'm totally winning.
Me: Shut up. Cocoa powder?
Store: Hmm...well, it's here somewhere. But I'm not gonna tell you where. Me: How about baking chocolate? Well, I have "baking" and I have "chocolate"... Ooh! and look! I have a non dairy product for baking that's "Chocolate flavored" [evil laughter]
Me: [growing desperate] What about chocolate chips? You have to have chocolate chips! You people have to make things chocolaty somehow!
Store: Sure, no problem...if you want to pay over two euro for less than a cup...
Me. NOOOOO!
When I discovered the price tag on those chocolate chips, righteous anger mounted inside of me, because I believe in a world where cheap giant bags of chocolate chips are accessible to all! I mean, I did buy the overpriced chocolate chips, but only because I had no other choice. I wandered out of the store, wondering how I could relate to a people who didn't value Nestle Tollhouse the way I did.
Outside, the grass looked a little less green.
posted by Caitlin at 4:25 PM
4 Comments:
Oh miss Sellnow. If only you could know how much your stories mean to us lowly folk back in your "old-country." I miss you so much! I'm getting sick and the stupid Health Center has failed me. Instead of giving me the blanket antibiotic that they are so well known for...they told me to come back in a week if I still felt like crap and then they'd give it to me. How is this useful advise? Anyway, I just wanted to say that I love you and I hope to hear from you soon!
Oh Muffin Face, how I miss you! But why the struggle for chocolate chips? Did you not get our package???
Hey Caitlin,
Marcy here. It's been awhile since I've read your blog. It was fun, because I got to read two new entries at once. Oh, I sure hope to see you when you're back in MN. Have you received any e-mails from me? I know you don't respond to e-mails E-V-E-R, so I have to ask.What if I don't have the correct address?
Hey! You should know... I've returned to the blogosphere. You should also know... that you should too! Please don't deprive the world of you wit and sarcasm... :)
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