Never Asked Questions. Or...um...NAQ
I have this fantasy where I'm an internet celebrity. (My fantasy standards are significantly lower than they were when I was eight and wanted to earn my celebrity status through inventing new snack foods and being the prettiest girl EVER...but it's a fantasy nonetheless.) I think it's due largely to the fact that a good portion of my day is spent at a desk waiting for the phone to ring with nothing to entertain me but this keyboard and the vast, magical expanse of friendship, laughter and sexual predators known as the world wide web. While mindlessly poking through endless archives of fondue recipes, I find myself slipping into daydreams where I have reached the kind of blogging status where I receive hundreds of comments in regards to my controversial spelling of the word "badonkadonk."
When I was eight, my only aid in playing out my snack-food fantasies was a cardboard box with spirals drawn on top like a "stove." (By the way mom, thanks for that and all the emotional scarring. It went well with my "toy" sink.) But, now that I'm grown up, I have my very own real-live blog with which to pretend to be internet popular! Lucky you. Before I go on vacation, I'm going to tie up some loose blog ends for the fans I wish I had by answering some questions that have never been asked, contained in e-mails that don't exist but would if I were internet famous like I deserve to be.
Dear Caitlin,
What was it like in Aquarius? My mommy goes there almost every night. I asked her what's inside and she said it's like a giant playground for grownups. I read your "Aquariawkwardness" entry and was hoping you could be a little more specific. What did you find?
Timmy,
Age seven
Answer:
Um...I only stayed for fifteen minutes so it was a little hard to tell, but it sure looked like magic and unicorns to me, Timmy.
Dear Caitlin
I am a junior in high-school and I really identify with you because I too have an almost pathological self-esteem problem. Last night I was so depressed about getting a "B+" on my last geography quiz that I watched four episodes in a row of "Flavor of Love" with a bag of chocolate chips as my only companion. But then I thought to myself, "Hey. It could be worse. I could have fewer facebook friends than that bitter internet girl. Which I don't." Once I saw clearly how good I have it compared to you, I gathered the strength to trade my chips in for a granola bar and change the channel to Laguna Beach. You are truly an inspiration!
Molly,
Age 17
P.S.
What did you decide about transferring to Kenyon? I'm thinking about applying there myself.
Answer:
First of all Molly, Facebook is by no means a reflection of your worth as a person in real life, so I wouldn't store those chocolate chips out of reach just yet. I mean, I don't know you or anything, but it's quite possible that you are every bit as pathetic as you thought you were. Second of all, to answer your question: Yes. I decided to transfer to Kenyon. This is partly because I think it will help me begin a career as a working writer, and partly because I want to prepare myself for Hell -- you know, just in case -- and I thought another round of orientation "getting to know you games" would do the trick. However, if your self esteem problems are as acute as mine, I don't recommend applying to Kenyon or any other even mildly selective schools. The rejection will drive you back to Flavor Flav's sexy sexy embrace faster than you can say, "you know what would be good with these chocolate chips? Some deep-fried stuff." In fact, to be safe, I recommend not applying to college at all. Get yourself a nice, mail order groom from like, the Ukraine, and start making babies. Trust me. Learn from my mistakes. It's the only way to avoid the heartache. Good luck!
Dear Caitlin
I really liked The Notebook and I'm a big fan of Valentine's day. And "The Christmas Shoes" is a lovely tune that is as brilliantly constructed as it is heartwarming. What is your problem? Why are you so afraid to feel feelings?
Also, I'm the one who called in about the pollen count. Bitch.
Celeste
Age twenty-seven
Answer:
Well Celeste, I may have a problem feeling feelings, but you have a stripper name. Yeah, that's right. Touche.
And that's all from the mailbag for now kids, but the imaginary letters are constantly pouring in so keep your fingers crossed for another installment soon.
Wish me luck on the open Wyoming range!
When I was eight, my only aid in playing out my snack-food fantasies was a cardboard box with spirals drawn on top like a "stove." (By the way mom, thanks for that and all the emotional scarring. It went well with my "toy" sink.) But, now that I'm grown up, I have my very own real-live blog with which to pretend to be internet popular! Lucky you. Before I go on vacation, I'm going to tie up some loose blog ends for the fans I wish I had by answering some questions that have never been asked, contained in e-mails that don't exist but would if I were internet famous like I deserve to be.
Dear Caitlin,
What was it like in Aquarius? My mommy goes there almost every night. I asked her what's inside and she said it's like a giant playground for grownups. I read your "Aquariawkwardness" entry and was hoping you could be a little more specific. What did you find?
Timmy,
Age seven
Answer:
Um...I only stayed for fifteen minutes so it was a little hard to tell, but it sure looked like magic and unicorns to me, Timmy.
Dear Caitlin
I am a junior in high-school and I really identify with you because I too have an almost pathological self-esteem problem. Last night I was so depressed about getting a "B+" on my last geography quiz that I watched four episodes in a row of "Flavor of Love" with a bag of chocolate chips as my only companion. But then I thought to myself, "Hey. It could be worse. I could have fewer facebook friends than that bitter internet girl. Which I don't." Once I saw clearly how good I have it compared to you, I gathered the strength to trade my chips in for a granola bar and change the channel to Laguna Beach. You are truly an inspiration!
Molly,
Age 17
P.S.
What did you decide about transferring to Kenyon? I'm thinking about applying there myself.
Answer:
First of all Molly, Facebook is by no means a reflection of your worth as a person in real life, so I wouldn't store those chocolate chips out of reach just yet. I mean, I don't know you or anything, but it's quite possible that you are every bit as pathetic as you thought you were. Second of all, to answer your question: Yes. I decided to transfer to Kenyon. This is partly because I think it will help me begin a career as a working writer, and partly because I want to prepare myself for Hell -- you know, just in case -- and I thought another round of orientation "getting to know you games" would do the trick. However, if your self esteem problems are as acute as mine, I don't recommend applying to Kenyon or any other even mildly selective schools. The rejection will drive you back to Flavor Flav's sexy sexy embrace faster than you can say, "you know what would be good with these chocolate chips? Some deep-fried stuff." In fact, to be safe, I recommend not applying to college at all. Get yourself a nice, mail order groom from like, the Ukraine, and start making babies. Trust me. Learn from my mistakes. It's the only way to avoid the heartache. Good luck!
Dear Caitlin
I really liked The Notebook and I'm a big fan of Valentine's day. And "The Christmas Shoes" is a lovely tune that is as brilliantly constructed as it is heartwarming. What is your problem? Why are you so afraid to feel feelings?
Also, I'm the one who called in about the pollen count. Bitch.
Celeste
Age twenty-seven
Answer:
Well Celeste, I may have a problem feeling feelings, but you have a stripper name. Yeah, that's right. Touche.
And that's all from the mailbag for now kids, but the imaginary letters are constantly pouring in so keep your fingers crossed for another installment soon.
Wish me luck on the open Wyoming range!
posted by Caitlin at 8:12 AM
4 Comments:
Oh, Celeste and her stupid opinions. Heartless people will win over sappy crybabies in my book any day.
Thank you, Caitlin. This post truly will tide me over until your return. But, if you die an exciting Wyoming death, who will blog about it?
Also, if Marshmallow falls down the stairs, and he's not there to hear it, will he make a noise?
Okay. It is spelled "Ba-dunka-dunk." <3 Maybe more people read this than you think!
Caitlin, caitlin, caitlin...
your blog always makes me...happier than i was before i read it...if your not careful, soon YOU will be the beautiful celebrity at the mall signing books and pulling wayward, emotionally void highschool internet addicts away from their homeless children fund raising drive!
-Barret
PS. Remember that time we were writing the latin play at Mikes house and you found his "Star Trek: Voyager" novels... diaphanous nightgowns...oh it always brings a smile :D
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