Delicious Cookies: The C-Sell School of Culinary Arts
Did the title grab you? I'm experimenting with sensationalist tactics.
Guys, I know you're all expecting my trademark self-scathing-yet-tender-hearted-wit right now, but I can't find it. Seriously, I've looked everywhere. If you were my trademark wit, where would you be? My present theory is that it's hiding out in the part of my brain where I keep all the re-runs of X-Files episodes I've pretty much memorized, and is wrapped in the hypothetical snuggie I'm going to crochet for myself one day, snacking on the imaginary gingerbread castle with which I win "battle gumdrop" against Bobby Flay in my Iron Chef fantasies. Really, I don't blame it for hiding. Blogging every week (and a half) is really hard on that little guy.
So, this week, I've decided to give it a rest and try something different. You're probably thinking, "Caitlin, what else can you possibly try? The only things you know how to do that amuse us are telling stories about how bad you are at math and people and falling down." We'll you're right. I have nothing left to entertain you with, but perhaps I have something to teach you.
No no wait! Don't go! It's not about Dostoyevski or fractions or heart-thoughts, I swear. It's about cupcakes! Look, there are two things in life I know how to do very well: deprecate myself and make delicious cookies. Today, I'd like to take a break from the former and tell you a bit about the latter. Lots of people incorrectly assume that I'm a talented cook because I make good food. This is not true. I'm just a terrible cook who's been doing it for so long that I've made every mistake in the book before you met me and I fed you those delicious cookies. And you know what? You can make delicious cookies too. You don't even have to go through that tooth grinding "egg shell vs. egg white" debacle or that failed "flour and cornstarch are basically the same thing, right?" venture to do so! All you have to do is learn from my mistakes. I'd like to impart a little wisdom upon the recent college graduates of America who just learned the difference between teaspoons and tablespoons last month. (hint: the tablespoon is the big one).
Gosh, I've been giving unsolicited cooking advice for so long, I hardly know where to begin! To get things started, I'm going to elaborate on five of the passive-aggressive suggestions I most frequently make, hovering in the kitchen while other people are cooking.
1 "Yeah...that's going to need a few more minutes": Of all the free cooking advice I've doled out over the years, this is perhaps my most common refrain: When it comes to cooking times, trust your senses more than you trust the numbers your recipe has given you. If a recipe says, "Cook for 40 minutes, or until golden brown," This does not mean you get to pick one or the other. Your recipe is not a choose-your-own-adventure story. Or maybe it is, but I'm telling you: If you don't wait until that cake is nice and golden on top and the toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, your adventure is going to end poorly. Every oven is dishonest, and every cooking time in any recipe is an estimation. So, even if you have to cook your cake for twice as long as your recipe leads you to believe -- unless the recipe specifically tells you otherwise -- it's not done if it doesn't look and feel done.
In general, impatience is one of a cook's greatest foes. So set a timer and do something that will take your mind off your cakelust while those youthful blobs of batter take the time they need to mature into sexy full-grown cupcakes. Do some yoga perhaps, or maybe brush up on your Hebrew. Your good eats will repay you for it in the long run.
And P.S. While we're on the subject, never frost or assemble any baked good before it is COMPLETELY COOL. No exceptions. Watching frosting melt into a warm cake is like watching Lindsay Lohan's youth melt away: It was gone before it's time, it's never coming back, and no one feels good about it. So put that spatula down.
2 "Um, does the recipe call for 'low calorie non-dairy spread'?": Listen, I'm all for experimenting, but I'm telling you right now, this one will fail. When a recipe calls for butter, it's calling for fat. If you don't have enough butter on hand, margarine, shortening and even sometimes applesauce or oil can be used as substitutes. But butter spread, -- the stuff that comes in a tub and has zero grahams of fat -- is missing the whole point. You can't use it in your cookies or fry a grilled cheese sandwich in it for the same reason why you can't fry a grilled cheese sandwich in salted water: It's just not going to get the job done. Sure it will be healthier, but what's the point if your toast is burnt and your cookies taste like frisbees?
In general, I say substitute responsibly. Don't substitute a cup of this for a cup of that until a reputable source -- preferably one with an editor, publisher and copyright -- has given you detailed instructions on how to do so.
3 "You know we don't have a blow torch, right?": This one's kind of common sense, but even I get in trouble every now and then when I forget: Read the recipe from start to finish before you begin. Even if you've scanned the ingredients list without any red flags going up, the instructions may still be fraught with landmines. You don't want to wait until step eight -- where the recipe tells you to plug in your imaginary electric ice-cream maker -- to discover you've just made a batch of really rich, possibly toxic, chocolate milk. Likewise, you don't want to wait until the night of the big party to realize that, if you start now, your marinated chicken skewers might be ready for brunch tomorrow. If you're lucky.
Sidenote: Like ingredient substitutions, you can MacGuyver substitutions for a lot specialized kitchen equipment -- deep fryers, double boilers, steamers, etc. -- out of more common pots and pans. But, for my thoughts on all substitutions, see tip #2.
4 "No, it's not that I don't trust your judgment, it's just that I don't think allrecipes.com user "ChefTastykinsHeartsHottieBobbyFlay13" is the most trustworthy recipe author...": You already know that the internet is a dangerous place. You figured that out back when your eighth grade English teacher told you that Harry Potter fan forum poster "RaDcLiFfE*FoR*PrEsIdEnT" was not an appropriate secondary source for your book report on "The Chamber of Secrets." Online cooking resources are similarly hit and miss. If you don't know and trust the place your information is coming from, you're likely going to end up with a check-minus result. Cooking forums like allrecipes, cooks.com and Recipe Zaar, where anyone who wants can post recipes, are full of unclear instructions and incomplete research. At best, you could end up with a custard that won't set. At worst, you might give all your dinner guests salmonella as a party favor.
I'm not saying every recipe on the internet is shifty. The web is brimming with great, creative, easy to follow cooking instructions. But, I'd advise you to use the same criteria for an internet recipe that you would use for potential book-report source: Is the author clearly identifiable? Is it well edited? Are there any spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors? Does the website layout look like it was designed by dyslexic thirteen-year-old Hannah Montana Fan? Etc. If you wouldn't cite it, for Pete's sake, don't eat it! Though, if you must -- if KitchenHotttie69Degrees's recipe for Fruit Loop Casserole just looks too enticing to resist -- make the recipe on your own once (and maybe wait 24 to 48 hours after you've eaten it, just to be safe) before you feed it to your unsuspecting friends.
If you're interested in getting sucked into the world of internet cooking and you've got a few dozen hours to spare, this guy has a great list of trustworthy food blogs and websites to browse.
5 "You're the chef!":Usually, I don't mean this one passive-aggressively. No, really! I think a lot of people are intimidated by cooking because they don't think they know what things are supposed to taste like. But guess what? If you think it tastes good -- unless you have some kind of serious taste-bud malfunction that causes motor oil to smell like pancake syrup in your brain -- it probably tastes good. Recipes that say, "season to taste" aren't referring to some cryptic state of food zen that exists only in Plato's realm of forms. They're talking about YOUR taste. You say it's salty enough? Then it is! There's nothing wrong with asking for a second opinion every once and a while but ultimately, you're the one wielding the spoon. You call the shots. Just remember to add seasonings a little at a time and taste as you go, and your tomato sauce is going to be beautiful. I promise.
And now, I'd like to close with one of my most favorite recipes for cheap, simple and creative eats. People ask me for it all the time. (Or, people often say, "this isn't bad Caitlin," then I say, "I know! Let me give you the recipe..." Again, potato, potahto.) Anyway, without further ado, here's how you make Frying Pan Pizza:
Ingredients:
1 cup of flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
a pinch (probably a little more than 1/8 teaspoon) salt
a few tablespoons water
olive oil, for frying
Directions:
1. Mix flour, baking powder and salt together in a small bowl. Then, add water two or three tablespoons at a time, stirring well after each addition. Add water until you have what looks and feels like a bread dough. The dough should stick together in a ball, but not to your hands.
2. Shape dough with a rolling pin or with your hands into a disc no bigger than the bottom of the medium frying pan your about to use.
3. Heat a tablespoon of oil in a medium frying pan. Fry your disc of dough for a minute or two on each side until it is golden brown.
4. Top as desired. If you want your toppings melted or toasted, put the whole pizza - toppings and all -- in the oven and broil on low for 3 to 5 minutes, or until the cheese is bubbly. Then, enjoy! For toppings, you can use traditional pizza toppings, or you can get as creative as you want. I've used baked beans and cheese, chili and onions, apple cheddar and brown sugar and fried potatoes and scrambled eggs.
This recipe is enough for one personal sized crust, but if you're feeding your friends it's easy to multiply by the number of people eating. Stir the dough up all at once, then divide it into individual portions after it's mixed. If you're having an extra crazy party, you can let your guests shape their own. Have fun! Let me know if you have any questions.
P.S. I'd like to dedicate this post to Anne, "Muffin Face," K. She recently turned 22, and girl knows what to do with a gas burner. Happy late birthday Muffin Face!
Guys, I know you're all expecting my trademark self-scathing-yet-tender-hearted-wit right now, but I can't find it. Seriously, I've looked everywhere. If you were my trademark wit, where would you be? My present theory is that it's hiding out in the part of my brain where I keep all the re-runs of X-Files episodes I've pretty much memorized, and is wrapped in the hypothetical snuggie I'm going to crochet for myself one day, snacking on the imaginary gingerbread castle with which I win "battle gumdrop" against Bobby Flay in my Iron Chef fantasies. Really, I don't blame it for hiding. Blogging every week (and a half) is really hard on that little guy.
So, this week, I've decided to give it a rest and try something different. You're probably thinking, "Caitlin, what else can you possibly try? The only things you know how to do that amuse us are telling stories about how bad you are at math and people and falling down." We'll you're right. I have nothing left to entertain you with, but perhaps I have something to teach you.
No no wait! Don't go! It's not about Dostoyevski or fractions or heart-thoughts, I swear. It's about cupcakes! Look, there are two things in life I know how to do very well: deprecate myself and make delicious cookies. Today, I'd like to take a break from the former and tell you a bit about the latter. Lots of people incorrectly assume that I'm a talented cook because I make good food. This is not true. I'm just a terrible cook who's been doing it for so long that I've made every mistake in the book before you met me and I fed you those delicious cookies. And you know what? You can make delicious cookies too. You don't even have to go through that tooth grinding "egg shell vs. egg white" debacle or that failed "flour and cornstarch are basically the same thing, right?" venture to do so! All you have to do is learn from my mistakes. I'd like to impart a little wisdom upon the recent college graduates of America who just learned the difference between teaspoons and tablespoons last month. (hint: the tablespoon is the big one).
Gosh, I've been giving unsolicited cooking advice for so long, I hardly know where to begin! To get things started, I'm going to elaborate on five of the passive-aggressive suggestions I most frequently make, hovering in the kitchen while other people are cooking.
1 "Yeah...that's going to need a few more minutes": Of all the free cooking advice I've doled out over the years, this is perhaps my most common refrain: When it comes to cooking times, trust your senses more than you trust the numbers your recipe has given you. If a recipe says, "Cook for 40 minutes, or until golden brown," This does not mean you get to pick one or the other. Your recipe is not a choose-your-own-adventure story. Or maybe it is, but I'm telling you: If you don't wait until that cake is nice and golden on top and the toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean, your adventure is going to end poorly. Every oven is dishonest, and every cooking time in any recipe is an estimation. So, even if you have to cook your cake for twice as long as your recipe leads you to believe -- unless the recipe specifically tells you otherwise -- it's not done if it doesn't look and feel done.
In general, impatience is one of a cook's greatest foes. So set a timer and do something that will take your mind off your cakelust while those youthful blobs of batter take the time they need to mature into sexy full-grown cupcakes. Do some yoga perhaps, or maybe brush up on your Hebrew. Your good eats will repay you for it in the long run.
And P.S. While we're on the subject, never frost or assemble any baked good before it is COMPLETELY COOL. No exceptions. Watching frosting melt into a warm cake is like watching Lindsay Lohan's youth melt away: It was gone before it's time, it's never coming back, and no one feels good about it. So put that spatula down.
2 "Um, does the recipe call for 'low calorie non-dairy spread'?": Listen, I'm all for experimenting, but I'm telling you right now, this one will fail. When a recipe calls for butter, it's calling for fat. If you don't have enough butter on hand, margarine, shortening and even sometimes applesauce or oil can be used as substitutes. But butter spread, -- the stuff that comes in a tub and has zero grahams of fat -- is missing the whole point. You can't use it in your cookies or fry a grilled cheese sandwich in it for the same reason why you can't fry a grilled cheese sandwich in salted water: It's just not going to get the job done. Sure it will be healthier, but what's the point if your toast is burnt and your cookies taste like frisbees?
In general, I say substitute responsibly. Don't substitute a cup of this for a cup of that until a reputable source -- preferably one with an editor, publisher and copyright -- has given you detailed instructions on how to do so.
3 "You know we don't have a blow torch, right?": This one's kind of common sense, but even I get in trouble every now and then when I forget: Read the recipe from start to finish before you begin. Even if you've scanned the ingredients list without any red flags going up, the instructions may still be fraught with landmines. You don't want to wait until step eight -- where the recipe tells you to plug in your imaginary electric ice-cream maker -- to discover you've just made a batch of really rich, possibly toxic, chocolate milk. Likewise, you don't want to wait until the night of the big party to realize that, if you start now, your marinated chicken skewers might be ready for brunch tomorrow. If you're lucky.
Sidenote: Like ingredient substitutions, you can MacGuyver substitutions for a lot specialized kitchen equipment -- deep fryers, double boilers, steamers, etc. -- out of more common pots and pans. But, for my thoughts on all substitutions, see tip #2.
4 "No, it's not that I don't trust your judgment, it's just that I don't think allrecipes.com user "ChefTastykinsHeartsHottieBobbyFlay13" is the most trustworthy recipe author...": You already know that the internet is a dangerous place. You figured that out back when your eighth grade English teacher told you that Harry Potter fan forum poster "RaDcLiFfE*FoR*PrEsIdEnT" was not an appropriate secondary source for your book report on "The Chamber of Secrets." Online cooking resources are similarly hit and miss. If you don't know and trust the place your information is coming from, you're likely going to end up with a check-minus result. Cooking forums like allrecipes, cooks.com and Recipe Zaar, where anyone who wants can post recipes, are full of unclear instructions and incomplete research. At best, you could end up with a custard that won't set. At worst, you might give all your dinner guests salmonella as a party favor.
I'm not saying every recipe on the internet is shifty. The web is brimming with great, creative, easy to follow cooking instructions. But, I'd advise you to use the same criteria for an internet recipe that you would use for potential book-report source: Is the author clearly identifiable? Is it well edited? Are there any spelling, punctuation or grammatical errors? Does the website layout look like it was designed by dyslexic thirteen-year-old Hannah Montana Fan? Etc. If you wouldn't cite it, for Pete's sake, don't eat it! Though, if you must -- if KitchenHotttie69Degrees's recipe for Fruit Loop Casserole just looks too enticing to resist -- make the recipe on your own once (and maybe wait 24 to 48 hours after you've eaten it, just to be safe) before you feed it to your unsuspecting friends.
If you're interested in getting sucked into the world of internet cooking and you've got a few dozen hours to spare, this guy has a great list of trustworthy food blogs and websites to browse.
5 "You're the chef!":Usually, I don't mean this one passive-aggressively. No, really! I think a lot of people are intimidated by cooking because they don't think they know what things are supposed to taste like. But guess what? If you think it tastes good -- unless you have some kind of serious taste-bud malfunction that causes motor oil to smell like pancake syrup in your brain -- it probably tastes good. Recipes that say, "season to taste" aren't referring to some cryptic state of food zen that exists only in Plato's realm of forms. They're talking about YOUR taste. You say it's salty enough? Then it is! There's nothing wrong with asking for a second opinion every once and a while but ultimately, you're the one wielding the spoon. You call the shots. Just remember to add seasonings a little at a time and taste as you go, and your tomato sauce is going to be beautiful. I promise.
And now, I'd like to close with one of my most favorite recipes for cheap, simple and creative eats. People ask me for it all the time. (Or, people often say, "this isn't bad Caitlin," then I say, "I know! Let me give you the recipe..." Again, potato, potahto.) Anyway, without further ado, here's how you make Frying Pan Pizza:
Ingredients:
1 cup of flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
a pinch (probably a little more than 1/8 teaspoon) salt
a few tablespoons water
olive oil, for frying
Directions:
1. Mix flour, baking powder and salt together in a small bowl. Then, add water two or three tablespoons at a time, stirring well after each addition. Add water until you have what looks and feels like a bread dough. The dough should stick together in a ball, but not to your hands.
2. Shape dough with a rolling pin or with your hands into a disc no bigger than the bottom of the medium frying pan your about to use.
3. Heat a tablespoon of oil in a medium frying pan. Fry your disc of dough for a minute or two on each side until it is golden brown.
4. Top as desired. If you want your toppings melted or toasted, put the whole pizza - toppings and all -- in the oven and broil on low for 3 to 5 minutes, or until the cheese is bubbly. Then, enjoy! For toppings, you can use traditional pizza toppings, or you can get as creative as you want. I've used baked beans and cheese, chili and onions, apple cheddar and brown sugar and fried potatoes and scrambled eggs.
This recipe is enough for one personal sized crust, but if you're feeding your friends it's easy to multiply by the number of people eating. Stir the dough up all at once, then divide it into individual portions after it's mixed. If you're having an extra crazy party, you can let your guests shape their own. Have fun! Let me know if you have any questions.
P.S. I'd like to dedicate this post to Anne, "Muffin Face," K. She recently turned 22, and girl knows what to do with a gas burner. Happy late birthday Muffin Face!
posted by Caitlin at 5:47 PM
3 Comments:
It was very hard to keep my laughter down to a level where I wouldn't have to read every paragraph to my co-workers when they say, "What's so funny? I hope you're not laughing at the guys on MPR that are talking about caves, becuase they're pretty dry." - Marcy
EEEE! I've been meaning to bug you for that recipe and now i have it! I'm going to use it to impress my flatmates with my mad skillz. You're wonderful!
Also, I think you're wit has come out of hiding. Did you check your coat pocket?
Also, I read #3 and immediately thought of Anne. :) I miss both of my muffin-faces!
Your blog turned out to be my regularly scheduled procrastination for this hour, and let me start by saying that it was procrastination well-chosen.
That being said, I believe your myriad blog fans deserve to know that those titles are not hypothetical -- correct me if I am wrong, but I believe you have said every single one of those things to me verbatim at some point. I especially treasure "You know we don't have a blowtorch, right?". I also remember vividly the day that I got offended because you didn't want to trust the recipe I had found on a sketchy submit-your-own-recipe forum.
You've taught me well, Muffin Face. I don't know if I really do know what to do with a gas burner, but I have learned over the years what not to do, and that's roughly the same thing, right?
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