"Hey look! It's Miss Iowa.....'s Boobs!"

So, who can guess how I spent my Saturday night?

No, silly, I didn't hold up another liquor store. Stop right there. If I were speaking to any one of you people reading this face to face, this would be the point where I'd be sorry I ever asked that question. The correct answer -- if you care to take a moment away from compiling that mental list of hilariously illegal/inappropriate/borderline racist things I could be doing on Saturday nights -- is that I was watching the Miss America pageant from start to finish.

Oh, shut up. Don't judge me. I know for a fact that more than one of you has paid money to see a Hillary Duff movie in theaters. Nobody's perfect. Actually, I thoroughly enjoyed the "scholarship competition." I saw enough teeth and big shiny hair and perfect bodies and identical noses and wide eyes filled with hatred and emptiness to rival the test tube society of Gattaca. I kept wanting to yell at those parents and grandparents in the audience screaming and holding signs for their loved ones onstage, "It's OK to conceive a child in love! Take your chances with nature! Maybe if you weren't so worried about having a child genetically predestined to have such white teeth, Miss California could have had a soul! Think of Ethan and Uma! Love! Love!"

I was a little disappointed when the Midwest was not represented in the top ten, but it was a minor setback. It's not like I was upset enough to stop watching or anything. I don't remember the top ten's actual names or the states they represented, I just remember Miss Suspiciously excellent hair, Miss Half Chinese Almost Ethnic, Miss The Black One, Miss Skin Cancer, Miss Seven Foot Weird Eyed Mutant Thing, Miss "Well, I'm Greek so..." and Miss So Skinny Don't Give Her a Hug or You'll Puncture a Lung. Boy were they one dapper bunch! Rhinestones, cleavage and heels galore. I think I have ten new role-models, guys.

Now, don't be fooled by their beauty. They have to grapple with real issues every day just like you and me. Oh man, the question and answer segment was marvelous. I've never seen so much bizarre nonsensical babble accompanied by such pride and gleeful self-assurance. The question was, "How has an event from your childhood shaped who you are today?" I don't remember what Miss Mutant or Twinky from Maine said exactly, but Miss Almost Ethnic tried, for thirty hilarious seconds, to convince everyone she had overcome racial prejudices in her youth. The first words out of her mouth were, "Well as you know, my dad is Chinese..."

In the end, Miss Mutant was crowned -- much to the joy of Sarah, who was watching the ceremony with us and leading a chant: "mu-tant! mu-tant! mu-tant!" Miss Mutant took the crown from the former Miss America: Miss If She Wasn't High, She Should Really Do Something About That Lazy Eye. There was singing and crying and confetti and it was over as quickly as it had begun.

Next year will be my year.

Hey you. Stop with the laughing.

P.S. Out of curiosity, how do you guys feel about the song, The Christmas Shoes? My roommate loves it, but I find it tests my gag reflex.